I’m thinking of you today. I don’t know why but every once in a while I will get this longing for you. And it feels like I can’t stand another minute without seeing your face. My heart aches. It has been silence for years. I have let you go, at least I think I have most days. Then there are days like today when no matter how hard I try I can’t get you off my mind. I like to think you are somewhere thinking of me and we are connected so until you stop, I can’t stop. But that’s not true is it? I broke my own heart waiting for you. I broke my own heart staying silent all this time. I’m beginning to realize “true love isn’t for girls like me”. But for now I’m doing my best to let go of the nothing we had.
JAN. 1, 2013
Maybe it was look in his eyes that made me fall for him; the ever changing hazel, the way they shone in the sunlight. The day I noticed they were mostly green; one moment we were having one of our many random conversations while working and the next moment everything seemed to go mute around me and I was frozen just staring at his eyes. If I blinked I didn’t notice. What he was saying, I have no clue. But his forest green eyes with brown around the pupil will forever be engraved in my memory as the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. ( and I stupidly told him before I hated colorful eyes)
It’s amazing how quickly a stranger can become important to you…
Every time I saw him we’d exchange our stories about what we’d done on the days we didn’t see each other. Honestly, I looked forward to those stupid stories. Even though I told him differently, I loved the fact that he talked a lot because I liked to hear his voice. Why didn’t I tell him that? I tried my best to not let him be important to me; I insisted that once he left, I would forget him. I tried to make it noticeable that I didn’t care; every time he brought up leaving, I would shrug and smile, shaking my head. Why did I do that? Why didn’t I say what I felt when I felt it? I said I’d miss him a few times, but only jokingly. Why did I do that? You know to this day I still cant listen to a few songs on my iPod anymore; whenever I hear Coldplay’s “The Scientist,” The Steel Drivers’ “If it Hadn’t Been for Love,” Frans Ferdand’s “Take Me Out, or Johnny Cash’s “Burning Ring of Fire,” I skip them as fast as I can. Why? Because all I do is remember him singing them or doing a hilarious dance to them. Every time ‘I Like Big Butts’ by Sir Mix Alot comes on I want to cry; I go in an instant depression from the corniest ever song made and it’s all because of him.
I still don’t know what his feelings were for me…maybe he never liked me and I was just someone he had to put up with. But I do know the look on his face the day he brought up again that he was leaving for the navy in a week and I, in an aggravated state of mind, told him, “It’s okay because it only feels like I’ve only known you for a week anyway.” (I’m the asshole.) You can’t fake the expression of hurt the showed on his face, like I had stepped on his heart. I instantly regretted it, but I never told him any different. After months of getting to know him, of sharing my happiness, of joint iPod ownership (during work) with this amazing person I didn’t know could even really exist, we said a good bye in passing and I stopped myself from daring to look back.
I, in my entire life have never attached myself to someone so accidentally and completely. But I suppose the moral of this story is that if you care for someone, tell them. Tell them the moment you know because otherwise the moment just slips away. Trust me, you don’t want to have to deal with the regret of never speaking up or believing the sad hope that one day you’ll see him walking down the parking lot toward you again…
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around….”-Bob Marley