Dear No One,

One day someone will have me. He will have my blunt attitude. He will have my diverse music selection. He will have my shy cautiousness. He will have my cheesy over spoken jokes. He will have my guess what word I’m trying to say game. He will have my laughing at myself snorts followed by uncontrollable laughter. He will have my secretive book reading. He will have my animated facial expressions. He will have my eyes shinning only for him, He will have my heart. He will have a girl who sticks up for him, a girl tries to help him anyway she can, a girl who’s happy for his happiness. A girl who wants to hear about his day no matter how stupid, unexpectantly funny, or boring it is. 

One day I will have someone who wants to be with me till the very last second. I will have someone who looks at me not with disgust or fear in his eyes but with love and happiness to  see me. I will have someone who likes to hear my laugh. I will have some who thinks of me daily and reaches out to me even if it’s just to say “hi”.

I don’t know who I get to spend my future with but I do know who I won’t waste my time hoping for.

Healing now.

I shouldn’t compare you.

The touch of your hand doesn’t send an electric current through my veins, but your hands are so nicely warm despite the temperature I always keep the room.

You being in the same room doesn’t make my skin flush or my heart flutter, but with you a familiar comfort in your presence that constantly makes me smile.

You don’t send me into a jealous rage when you talk or joke with other women, but you make me laugh at how suave you attempt to be.

Knowing you chose someone else doesn’t break my heart, nor does seeing you two together; it just reminds me of him and how I wish I could find someone to fill the empty void he left.

I read somewhere, “There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.”

I know this to be true because I loved him but I also love you. (platonically)

Here is where you are similar, in the most heart breaking way, he left and you are leaving. Once the force that has kept us talking is gone, so will this “friendship”go. We will never talk again, at least not truly. Our once comfortable banter will turn into awkward hellos, then awkward hellos into silence.

It’s gonna hurt.

It’s gonna hurt because you are something to me, someone to me, and the loss of that something will hurt; the loss of you will hurt. I’m thankful towards you. In a way, you’ve shown me I can love again. You’ve helped me understand that no love is the same. You’ve helped me realize my first love wasn’t a make or break love. Although you have not actively tried, your presence has helped heal me.

Happiness is a road less traveled.

March 7, 2015

Writing.

Writing.

Writing.
Words keeping me partially sane.
Letters making words making sentences making this page full of black lines and squiggles. The one thing I can control, the words I write here.

Do you ever have those days where you feel like the only person in the world who isn’t happy? I’ll attempt to paint you a picture of my “life”.

Try adding 364 days of unhappiness to that,give or take for leap years and such.

Then multiply those days by 22 years. (Soon to be 23 years, unless I can manage to get this “Happiness” thing under my control by then. )

Oh, Happiness. *Insert Dreamy Voice Here*

I’m not saying I’ve had a cloud of despair over my head my entire life. I’ve been happy before. I have the memories when I seemed happy. They feel a lot like the vague, lingering dreams you can’t quite remember after you wake.

Don’t say it. Don’t tell me. I know, I know.

Well, the problem is, I just got a car and I have no i-freaking-dea which road is the “road of happiness”.
I can’t follow directions to save my life and I keep hitting road blocks regardless.

It’s a brave new world, folks.

Most people my age fall under three categories: 1.) You are in college, building your future while having an invigorating, yet promiscuous, alcohol fueled time. 2.) You have recently graduated college posting photos all over Facebook about how you can’t even believe you made it! Now it’s time to find a job in your chosen profession, “May the odds be ever in your favor.” 3.) You found the love of your life, you’ve gotten married or you’ve had a baby and everything is either copacetic or chaos. The way I see it is at least you are doing something.

I got my first car and drivers license a year ago, at the ripe age of twenty-one. I’m a late bloomer and up until now I wasn’t doing much with my life. I started working for a grocery store shortly after my high school career because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. One year off of college turned into five years. Honestly, I still have no idea what I want to do or where I’m going, but who really does? So instead of wasting the rest of my younger years at a grocery store fuel center; I’ve decided to go to school. It’s only a tech school, but something is better than nothing. At the moment I want to be a Pharmacy Tech, oh the excitement of being a legal drug dealer. I realize now that my hopes for leaving the grocery store scene is cut in half but Pharmacy Tech is a classier title then Fuel Attendant. I haven’t fit into any of those categories before. I’m starting the process of elbowing my way in though. Wish me luck.

Part 2

JAN. 1, 2013

Maybe it was look in his eyes that made me fall for him; the ever changing hazel, the way they shone in the sunlight.  The day I noticed they were mostly green; one moment we were having one of our many random conversations while working and the next moment everything seemed to go mute around me and I was frozen just staring at his eyes. If I blinked I didn’t notice. What he was saying, I have no clue.  But his forest green eyes with brown around the pupil will forever be engraved in my memory as the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. ( and I stupidly told him before I hated colorful eyes)
It’s amazing how quickly a stranger can become important to you…
Every time I saw him we’d exchange our stories about what we’d done on the days we didn’t see each other. Honestly, I looked forward to those stupid stories. Even though I told him differently, I loved the fact that he talked a lot because I liked to hear his voice. Why didn’t I tell him that? I tried my best to not let him be important to me; I insisted that once he left, I would forget him. I tried to make it noticeable that I didn’t care; every time he brought up leaving, I would shrug and smile, shaking my head. Why did I do that? Why didn’t I say what I felt when I felt it? I said I’d miss him a few times, but only jokingly. Why did I do that? You know to this day I still cant listen to a few songs on my iPod anymore; whenever I hear  Coldplay’s “The Scientist,” The Steel Drivers’ “If it Hadn’t Been for Love,” Frans Ferdand’s “Take Me Out, or Johnny Cash’s “Burning Ring of Fire,” I skip them as fast as I can. Why? Because all I do is remember him singing them or doing a hilarious dance to them. Every time ‘I Like Big Butts’ by Sir Mix Alot comes on I want to cry; I go in an instant depression from the corniest ever song made and it’s all because of him.

I still don’t know what his feelings were for me…maybe he never liked me and I was just someone he had to put up with.  But I do know the look on his face the day he brought up again that he was leaving for the navy in a week and I, in an aggravated state of mind, told him, “It’s okay because it only feels like I’ve only known you for a week anyway.” (I’m the asshole.)  You can’t fake the expression of hurt the showed on his face, like I had stepped on his heart. I instantly regretted it, but I never told him any different.  After months of getting to know him, of sharing my happiness, of joint iPod ownership (during work) with this amazing person I didn’t know could even really exist, we said a good bye in passing and I stopped myself from daring to look back.

I, in my entire life have never attached myself to someone so accidentally and completely.  But I suppose the moral of this story is that if you care for someone, tell them. Tell them the moment you know because otherwise the moment just slips away. Trust me, you don’t want to have to deal with the regret of never speaking up or believing the sad hope that one day you’ll see him walking down the parking lot toward you again…

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around….”-Bob Marley