You can’t hide forever. 

I can be happy with big laughs and dorky jokes around other people all day but the second I’m alone that all changes and the sadness I struggle to hide comes spewing out the moment they leave my side. I can’t hide from my sadness when I’m alone but for everyone else’s sake I can put on a good show. 

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The Nothing We Had.

I’m thinking of you today. I don’t know why but every once in a while I will get this longing for you. And it feels like I can’t stand another minute without seeing your face. My heart aches. It has been silence for years. I have let you go, at least I think I have most days. Then there are days like today when no matter how hard I try I can’t get you off my mind. I like to think you are somewhere thinking of me and we are connected so until you stop, I can’t stop. But that’s not true is it? I broke my own heart waiting for you. I broke my own heart staying silent all this time. I’m beginning to realize “true love isn’t for girls like me”. But for now I’m doing my best to let go of the nothing we had.

Dear No One,

One day someone will have me. He will have my blunt attitude. He will have my diverse music selection. He will have my shy cautiousness. He will have my cheesy over spoken jokes. He will have my guess what word I’m trying to say game. He will have my laughing at myself snorts followed by uncontrollable laughter. He will have my secretive book reading. He will have my animated facial expressions. He will have my eyes shinning only for him, He will have my heart. He will have a girl who sticks up for him, a girl tries to help him anyway she can, a girl who’s happy for his happiness. A girl who wants to hear about his day no matter how stupid, unexpectantly funny, or boring it is. 

One day I will have someone who wants to be with me till the very last second. I will have someone who looks at me not with disgust or fear in his eyes but with love and happiness to  see me. I will have someone who likes to hear my laugh. I will have some who thinks of me daily and reaches out to me even if it’s just to say “hi”.

I don’t know who I get to spend my future with but I do know who I won’t waste my time hoping for.

Healing now.

I shouldn’t compare you.

The touch of your hand doesn’t send an electric current through my veins, but your hands are so nicely warm despite the temperature I always keep the room.

You being in the same room doesn’t make my skin flush or my heart flutter, but with you a familiar comfort in your presence that constantly makes me smile.

You don’t send me into a jealous rage when you talk or joke with other women, but you make me laugh at how suave you attempt to be.

Knowing you chose someone else doesn’t break my heart, nor does seeing you two together; it just reminds me of him and how I wish I could find someone to fill the empty void he left.

I read somewhere, “There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.”

I know this to be true because I loved him but I also love you. (platonically)

Here is where you are similar, in the most heart breaking way, he left and you are leaving. Once the force that has kept us talking is gone, so will this “friendship”go. We will never talk again, at least not truly. Our once comfortable banter will turn into awkward hellos, then awkward hellos into silence.

It’s gonna hurt.

It’s gonna hurt because you are something to me, someone to me, and the loss of that something will hurt; the loss of you will hurt. I’m thankful towards you. In a way, you’ve shown me I can love again. You’ve helped me understand that no love is the same. You’ve helped me realize my first love wasn’t a make or break love. Although you have not actively tried, your presence has helped heal me.