I’m a proud person who doesn’t want anyone but I need them. I need him. 

When I talk about a “he or him” it’s the same person that I’ve been holding onto for five years. I have had connections with men before him and after him but nothing ever came of it. Mostly I wonder if I’m holding on because I’m not sure of what could’ve been or what was. You see I was young and more insecure than I am now and he was younger and for some reason that mattered to me. 

I was never anyone’s choice at love or friendship, so I decided to put myself out of the game at a young age to not let anybody get close enough to hurt me. While I was pushing him away I was loving him more than I ever loved any other person. The people I loved the most moved away, died, or just plain never loved me back. So in all my life I’ve been looking for love and guarding my heart.

 When I met him I was already so damaged, I didn’t know if I could love anybody and then he was. I found magnificent connection with him that I never found with any other. Soon after getting to know him it became common knowledge he was moving away in a few months to pursue a dream. I was 20 years old in love with a 19-year-old who’s going into the Navy, who’s leaving me behind like everyone else has. So what do I do.? I decided I would just be his friend while he was working with me and then that would be enough for me because there is no point in trying to be more than that with him because he was leaving. 

The problem is, the more I was trying to be his friend, the more I was getting to know him, the more I liked him and his smile when he’d smile and how charismatic and just animated he was. He was different from other people in so many ways than one.

You see when I liked somebody, I tried to picture us together and usually I couldn’t ever. He would tell stories about his grandparents that worked at the Renaissance Festival every year and his mom who was a bodybuilder and his friend who he was roommates with how they just acted stupid together all the time and I could see myself there with him, with them. It felt right, it never felt right. That had never happened before or since him.

The more I got to know him the more I liked him, the more jealous I became at all the girls around him, the more angry I became that I didn’t have more time with him, the more sad I became because I actually liked him, even though I tried hard not to, the more I was mean and pushed him away…

I kept quiet about my feelings. I didn’t want to show any pain or emotion. I’m a proud person who doesn’t want anyone but I need them. I need him. 

I hope almost every day that I get to see you again and that we will have a chance again and that I’ll say everything I ever wanted to say or felt without being proud and insecure because being proud and insecure has just left me empty these last five years. 

Things I 😍

  1. Artists: Elton John, Frank Sinatra, The Beatles, Queen, The Rolling Stones, Bob Marley,  James Taylor, CCR, Coldplay.
  2.  The smell of matches and fireworks.
  3. Sunsets.
  4. Full moons.
  5. Clear starry night skies.
  6. Night drives.
  7. Lemon flavored deserts.
  8. Extra Polar Ice bubblegum.
  9. Ice cold water.
  10. Dr Pepper.
  11. The beach at night.
  12. Sad love songs.
  13. Adventures.
  14. Waterfalls.
  15. Road trips with MUSIC!
  16. Tacos and Burritos.
  17. Blue colors.
  18. Hazel eyes.
  19. Stand up comedy.
  20. UFOs.
  21. Conspiracy theories.
  22. Ancient times.
  23. Ancient Egypt.
  24. Korean Dramas.
  25. The Fourth of July.
  26. Studio Ghibli animated movies.
  27. Space.
  28. Doctor who.
  29. Romance novels.
  30. Superhero movies.
  31. Robin Williams movies.
  32. Flowers.
  33. Bonfires.
  34. S’mores.
  35. Camping.
  36. Green fields.
  37. Lakes.
  38. County Fairs.
  39. Willow trees.
  40. Medical shows.
  41. Criminal investigation shows.
  42. Korean culture.
  43. Louisiana.
  44. New Orleans.
  45. Shopping.
  46. Early 2000’s rap and r&b.
  47. Watching plays.
  48. Writing.
  49. Painting.
  50. Drawing.
  51. History and National Geographic Channels.
  52. Playing shooting games.
  53. Supernintendo playing  Mario Bros and Donkey Kong Country.

The Nothing We Had.

I’m thinking of you today. I don’t know why but every once in a while I will get this longing for you. And it feels like I can’t stand another minute without seeing your face. My heart aches. It has been silence for years. I have let you go, at least I think I have most days. Then there are days like today when no matter how hard I try I can’t get you off my mind. I like to think you are somewhere thinking of me and we are connected so until you stop, I can’t stop. But that’s not true is it? I broke my own heart waiting for you. I broke my own heart staying silent all this time. I’m beginning to realize “true love isn’t for girls like me”. But for now I’m doing my best to let go of the nothing we had.

Dear No One,

One day someone will have me. He will have my blunt attitude. He will have my diverse music selection. He will have my shy cautiousness. He will have my cheesy over spoken jokes. He will have my guess what word I’m trying to say game. He will have my laughing at myself snorts followed by uncontrollable laughter. He will have my secretive book reading. He will have my animated facial expressions. He will have my eyes shinning only for him, He will have my heart. He will have a girl who sticks up for him, a girl tries to help him anyway she can, a girl who’s happy for his happiness. A girl who wants to hear about his day no matter how stupid, unexpectantly funny, or boring it is. 

One day I will have someone who wants to be with me till the very last second. I will have someone who looks at me not with disgust or fear in his eyes but with love and happiness to  see me. I will have someone who likes to hear my laugh. I will have some who thinks of me daily and reaches out to me even if it’s just to say “hi”.

I don’t know who I get to spend my future with but I do know who I won’t waste my time hoping for.

Healing now.

I shouldn’t compare you.

The touch of your hand doesn’t send an electric current through my veins, but your hands are so nicely warm despite the temperature I always keep the room.

You being in the same room doesn’t make my skin flush or my heart flutter, but with you a familiar comfort in your presence that constantly makes me smile.

You don’t send me into a jealous rage when you talk or joke with other women, but you make me laugh at how suave you attempt to be.

Knowing you chose someone else doesn’t break my heart, nor does seeing you two together; it just reminds me of him and how I wish I could find someone to fill the empty void he left.

I read somewhere, “There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.”

I know this to be true because I loved him but I also love you. (platonically)

Here is where you are similar, in the most heart breaking way, he left and you are leaving. Once the force that has kept us talking is gone, so will this “friendship”go. We will never talk again, at least not truly. Our once comfortable banter will turn into awkward hellos, then awkward hellos into silence.

It’s gonna hurt.

It’s gonna hurt because you are something to me, someone to me, and the loss of that something will hurt; the loss of you will hurt. I’m thankful towards you. In a way, you’ve shown me I can love again. You’ve helped me understand that no love is the same. You’ve helped me realize my first love wasn’t a make or break love. Although you have not actively tried, your presence has helped heal me.