I’m thinking of you today. I don’t know why but every once in a while I will get this longing for you. And it feels like I can’t stand another minute without seeing your face. My heart aches. It has been silence for years. I have let you go, at least I think I have most days. Then there are days like today when no matter how hard I try I can’t get you off my mind. I like to think you are somewhere thinking of me and we are connected so until you stop, I can’t stop. But that’s not true is it? I broke my own heart waiting for you. I broke my own heart staying silent all this time. I’m beginning to realize “true love isn’t for girls like me”. But for now I’m doing my best to let go of the nothing we had.
One day someone will have me. He will have my blunt attitude. He will have my diverse music selection. He will have my shy cautiousness. He will have my cheesy over spoken jokes. He will have my guess what word I’m trying to say game. He will have my laughing at myself snorts followed by uncontrollable laughter. He will have my secretive book reading. He will have my animated facial expressions. He will have my eyes shinning only for him, He will have my heart. He will have a girl who sticks up for him, a girl tries to help him anyway she can, a girl who’s happy for his happiness. A girl who wants to hear about his day no matter how stupid, unexpectantly funny, or boring it is.
One day I will have someone who wants to be with me till the very last second. I will have someone who looks at me not with disgust or fear in his eyes but with love and happiness to see me. I will have someone who likes to hear my laugh. I will have some who thinks of me daily and reaches out to me even if it’s just to say “hi”.
I don’t know who I get to spend my future with but I do know who I won’t waste my time hoping for.
I shouldn’t compare you.
The touch of your hand doesn’t send an electric current through my veins, but your hands are so nicely warm despite the temperature I always keep the room.
You being in the same room doesn’t make my skin flush or my heart flutter, but with you a familiar comfort in your presence that constantly makes me smile.
You don’t send me into a jealous rage when you talk or joke with other women, but you make me laugh at how suave you attempt to be.
Knowing you chose someone else doesn’t break my heart, nor does seeing you two together; it just reminds me of him and how I wish I could find someone to fill the empty void he left.
I read somewhere, “There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.”
I know this to be true because I loved him but I also love you. (platonically)
Here is where you are similar, in the most heart breaking way, he left and you are leaving. Once the force that has kept us talking is gone, so will this “friendship”go. We will never talk again, at least not truly. Our once comfortable banter will turn into awkward hellos, then awkward hellos into silence.
It’s gonna hurt.
It’s gonna hurt because you are something to me, someone to me, and the loss of that something will hurt; the loss of you will hurt. I’m thankful towards you. In a way, you’ve shown me I can love again. You’ve helped me understand that no love is the same. You’ve helped me realize my first love wasn’t a make or break love. Although you have not actively tried, your presence has helped heal me.
He’ll be sad for a moment then life will resume. He’ll be fine without me. They are always fine without. I’m never fine without them. My curse is memory.
March 7, 2015
Words keeping me partially sane.
Letters making words making sentences making this page full of black lines and squiggles. The one thing I can control, the words I write here.
Do you ever have those days where you feel like the only person in the world who isn’t happy? I’ll attempt to paint you a picture of my “life”.
Try adding 364 days of unhappiness to that,give or take for leap years and such.
Then multiply those days by 22 years. (Soon to be 23 years, unless I can manage to get this “Happiness” thing under my control by then. )
Oh, Happiness. *Insert Dreamy Voice Here*
I’m not saying I’ve had a cloud of despair over my head my entire life. I’ve been happy before. I have the memories when I seemed happy. They feel a lot like the vague, lingering dreams you can’t quite remember after you wake.
Don’t say it. Don’t tell me. I know, I know.
Well, the problem is, I just got a car and I have no i-freaking-dea which road is the “road of happiness”.
I can’t follow directions to save my life and I keep hitting road blocks regardless.
Most people my age fall under three categories: 1.) You are in college, building your future while having an invigorating, yet promiscuous, alcohol fueled time. 2.) You have recently graduated college posting photos all over Facebook about how you can’t even believe you made it! Now it’s time to find a job in your chosen profession, “May the odds be ever in your favor.” 3.) You found the love of your life, you’ve gotten married or you’ve had a baby and everything is either copacetic or chaos. The way I see it is at least you are doing something.
I got my first car and drivers license a year ago, at the ripe age of twenty-one. I’m a late bloomer and up until now I wasn’t doing much with my life. I started working for a grocery store shortly after my high school career because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. One year off of college turned into five years. Honestly, I still have no idea what I want to do or where I’m going, but who really does? So instead of wasting the rest of my younger years at a grocery store fuel center; I’ve decided to go to school. It’s only a tech school, but something is better than nothing. At the moment I want to be a Pharmacy Tech, oh the excitement of being a legal drug dealer. I realize now that my hopes for leaving the grocery store scene is cut in half but Pharmacy Tech is a classier title then Fuel Attendant. I haven’t fit into any of those categories before. I’m starting the process of elbowing my way in though. Wish me luck.