When I talk about a “he or him” it’s the same person that I’ve been holding onto for five years. I have had connections with men before him and after him but nothing ever came of it. Mostly I wonder if I’m holding on because I’m not sure of what could’ve been or what was. You see I was young and more insecure than I am now and he was younger and for some reason that mattered to me.
I was never anyone’s choice at love or friendship, so I decided to put myself out of the game at a young age to not let anybody get close enough to hurt me. While I was pushing him away I was loving him more than I ever loved any other person. The people I loved the most moved away, died, or just plain never loved me back. So in all my life I’ve been looking for love and guarding my heart.
When I met him I was already so damaged, I didn’t know if I could love anybody and then there he was. I found a magnificent connection with him that I never found with any other. Soon after getting to know him it became common knowledge he was moving away in a few months to pursue a dream. I was 20 years old in love with a 19-year-old who’s going into the Navy, who’s leaving me behind like everyone else has. So what do I do.? I decided I would just be his friend while he was working with me and then that would be enough for me because there is no point in trying to be more than that with him because he was leaving.
The problem is, the more I was trying to be his friend, the more I was getting to know him, the more I liked him and his smile when he’d smile and how charismatic and just animated he was. He was different from other people in so many ways than one.
You see when I liked somebody, I tried to picture us together and usually I couldn’t ever. He would tell stories about his grandparents that worked at the Renaissance Festival every year and his mom who was a bodybuilder and his friend who he was roommates with how they just acted stupid together all the time and I could see myself there with him, with them. It felt right, it never felt right. That had never happened before or since him.
The more I got to know him the more I liked him, the more jealous I became at all the girls around him, the more angry I became that I didn’t have more time with him, the more sad I became because I actually liked him, even though I tried hard not to, the more I was mean and pushed him away…
I kept quiet about my feelings. I didn’t want to show any pain or emotion. I’m a proud person who doesn’t want anyone but I need them. I need him.
I hope almost every day that I get to see you again and that we will have a chance again and that I’ll say everything I ever wanted to say or felt without being proud and insecure because being proud and insecure has just left me empty these last five years.