I may just have to be single forever.


I might trying online dating….. Just know I don’t like online dating. How are you?(virtual stranger who may or may not be a serial killer).  I mean really, there is something so impersonal about all of it. Firstly no tone of voice changes or facial expressions that I adore so much in face to face conversation. Secondly, How are you? or what’s up! Generally speaking I hate these questions “What’s up!” We are at work Karen that’s what’s up!! “How are you?” Do you really want to know? People always expect the same answer of good or find. * How am I?* Well, I’d rather die than answer good or fine again when all I want to say is “It’s kind of been a shit day”.

My sister in law thinks it is impossible to meet a man in real life and that people only meet online these days………..(just kill me)

Nothing kills your self esteem more than the awful prospects who respond to my profile and I don’t think I’d trust anyone who was great online either. You know with all the catfishing business.

I suppose I’ve talked myself out of that again.

I think I may just have to be single forever or find someone the way our ancestors did it up close and personal.


Moving on is harder to do, when the one that you love moves faster than you. 

anchorWhen I talk about a “he or him” it’s the same person that I’ve been holding onto for five years. I have had connections with men before him and after him but nothing ever came of it. Mostly I wonder if I’m holding on because I’m not sure of what could’ve been or what was. You see I was young and more insecure than I am now and he was younger and for some reason that mattered to me.

I was never anyone’s choice at love or friendship, so I decided to put myself out of the game at a young age to not let anybody get close enough to hurt me. While I was pushing him away I was loving him more than I ever loved any other person. The people I loved the most moved away, died, or just plain never loved me back. So in all my life I’ve been looking for love and guarding my heart.

When I met him I was already so damaged, I didn’t know if I could love anybody and then there he was. I found a magnificent connection with him that I never found with any other. Soon after getting to know him it became common knowledge he was moving away in a few months to pursue a dream. I was 20 years old in love with a 19-year-old who’s going into the Navy, who’s leaving me behind like everyone else has. So what do I do.? I decided I would just be his friend while he was working with me and then that would be enough for me because there is no point in trying to be more than that with him because he was leaving.

The problem is, the more I was trying to be his friend, the more I was getting to know him, the more I liked him and his smile when he’d smile and how charismatic and just animated he was. He was different from other people in so many ways than one.

You see when I liked somebody, I tried to picture us together and usually I couldn’t ever. He would tell stories about his grandparents that worked at the Renaissance Festival every year and his mom who was a bodybuilder and his friend who he was roommates with how they just acted stupid together all the time and I could see myself there with him, with them. It felt right, it never felt right. That had never happened before or since him.

The more I got to know him the more I liked him, the more jealous I became at all the girls around him, the more angry I became that I didn’t have more time with him, the more sad I became because I actually liked him, even though I tried hard not to, the more I was mean and pushed him away…

I kept quiet about my feelings. I didn’t want to show any pain or emotion. I’m a proud person who doesn’t want anyone but I need them. I need him. 

I hope almost every day that I get to see you again and that we will have a chance again and that I’ll say everything I ever wanted to say or felt without being proud and insecure because being proud and insecure has just left me empty these last five years. 

“That’s a fact!” – Uncle David

It’s hard to believe I won’t see his face smiling at me again or ever hear him talk or laugh. I won’t be able to roll your eyes at his dumb sayings or catch phrases and I will not again feel how special it made me feel when he was finally proud of me, sobbing like a baby, that I got my first car or started college all on my own. It’s hard to understand how someone who completely annoyed me also meant so very much to me. That must be where his daughter (my cousin/ my best friend) got it from. I miss the conversations we had and movie marathons he made me sit throughIMG_1863 and just the time I got to be with him. He was a blessing in a lot of people’s life and the whole time he thought we were helping him out.

Things that make me miss him include : the syfy network, redbox, menthol Marlboros in the green box, when someone says waz up, breakfast food, the yellow smiley face, tall skinny men with limps, the saying “God is good all the time”, Laughing so hard you cry and LSU Football.

I Love…

  1. Musicians: Elton John, Frank Sinatra, The Beatles, Queen, The Rolling Stones, Bob Marley,  James Taylor, CCR, Coldplay.
  2.  The smell of matches and fireworks.
  3. Sunsets.
  4. Full moons.
  5. Clear starry night skies.
  6. Night drives.
  7. Lemon flavored deserts.
  8. Extra Polar Ice bubblegum.
  9. Ice cold water.
  10. Dr Pepper.
  11. The beach at night.
  12. Sad love songs.
  13. Adventures.
  14. Waterfalls.
  15. Road trips with MUSIC!
  16. Tacos and Burritos.
  17. Blue colors.
  18. Hazel eyes.
  19. Stand up comedy.
  20. UFOs.
  21. Conspiracy theories.
  22. Ancient times.
  23. Ancient Egypt.
  24. Korean Dramas.
  25. The Fourth of July.
  26. Studio Ghibli animated movies.
  27. Space.
  28. Doctor who.
  29. Romance novels.
  30. Superhero movies.
  31. Robin Williams movies.
  32. Flowers.
  33. Bonfires.
  34. S’mores.
  35. Camping.
  36. Green fields.
  37. Lakes.
  38. County Fairs.
  39. Willow trees.
  40. Medical shows.
  41. Criminal investigation shows.
  42. Korean culture.
  43. Louisiana.
  44. New Orleans.
  45. Shopping.
  46. Early 2000’s rap and r&b.
  47. Watching plays.
  48. Writing.
  49. Painting.
  50. Drawing.
  51. History and National Geographic Channels.
  52. Playing shooting games.
  53. Supernintendo playing  Mario Bros and Donkey Kong Country.