I’m a proud person who doesn’t want anyone but I need them. I need him. 

When I talk about a “he or him” it’s the same person that I’ve been holding onto for five years. I have had connections with men before him and after him but nothing ever came of it. Mostly I wonder if I’m holding on because I’m not sure of what could’ve been or what was. You see I was young and more insecure than I am now and he was younger and for some reason that mattered to me. 

I was never anyone’s choice at love or friendship, so I decided to put myself out of the game at a young age to not let anybody get close enough to hurt me. While I was pushing him away I was loving him more than I ever loved any other person. The people I loved the most moved away, died, or just plain never loved me back. So in all my life I’ve been looking for love and guarding my heart.

 When I met him I was already so damaged, I didn’t know if I could love anybody and then he was. I found magnificent connection with him that I never found with any other. Soon after getting to know him it became common knowledge he was moving away in a few months to pursue a dream. I was 20 years old in love with a 19-year-old who’s going into the Navy, who’s leaving me behind like everyone else has. So what do I do.? I decided I would just be his friend while he was working with me and then that would be enough for me because there is no point in trying to be more than that with him because he was leaving. 

The problem is, the more I was trying to be his friend, the more I was getting to know him, the more I liked him and his smile when he’d smile and how charismatic and just animated he was. He was different from other people in so many ways than one.

You see when I liked somebody, I tried to picture us together and usually I couldn’t ever. He would tell stories about his grandparents that worked at the Renaissance Festival every year and his mom who was a bodybuilder and his friend who he was roommates with how they just acted stupid together all the time and I could see myself there with him, with them. It felt right, it never felt right. That had never happened before or since him.

The more I got to know him the more I liked him, the more jealous I became at all the girls around him, the more angry I became that I didn’t have more time with him, the more sad I became because I actually liked him, even though I tried hard not to, the more I was mean and pushed him away…

I kept quiet about my feelings. I didn’t want to show any pain or emotion. I’m a proud person who doesn’t want anyone but I need them. I need him. 

I hope almost every day that I get to see you again and that we will have a chance again and that I’ll say everything I ever wanted to say or felt without being proud and insecure because being proud and insecure has just left me empty these last five years. 

That’s a fact

It’s hard to believe you won’t see their face smiling at you again or ever hear them talk or laugh. You won’t be able to roll your eyes at their dumb sayings or catch phrases. And you won’t get to feel how special it makes you feel when they are proud of you, sobbing like a baby, that you got your first car or started college. I don’t understand how someone who completely annoyed me meant so much to me. It must be where his daughter/ my best friend got it from. I miss conversations and movie marathons and just the time I got to be with him. He was a blessing in a lot of people’s life and the whole time he thought we were helping him out. 

Things that make me miss him include : the syfy network, redbox, menthol Marlboros in the green box, when someone says waz up, breakfast food, the yellow smiley face, tall skinny men with limps, the saying god is good all the time. Laughing so hard you cry, Lsu. 

Things I 😍

  1. Artists: Elton John, Frank Sinatra, The Beatles, Queen, The Rolling Stones, Bob Marley,  James Taylor, CCR, Coldplay.
  2.  The smell of matches and fireworks.
  3. Sunsets.
  4. Full moons.
  5. Clear starry night skies.
  6. Night drives.
  7. Lemon flavored deserts.
  8. Extra Polar Ice bubblegum.
  9. Ice cold water.
  10. Dr Pepper.
  11. The beach at night.
  12. Sad love songs.
  13. Adventures.
  14. Waterfalls.
  15. Road trips with MUSIC!
  16. Tacos and Burritos.
  17. Blue colors.
  18. Hazel eyes.
  19. Stand up comedy.
  20. UFOs.
  21. Conspiracy theories.
  22. Ancient times.
  23. Ancient Egypt.
  24. Korean Dramas.
  25. The Fourth of July.
  26. Studio Ghibli animated movies.
  27. Space.
  28. Doctor who.
  29. Romance novels.
  30. Superhero movies.
  31. Robin Williams movies.
  32. Flowers.
  33. Bonfires.
  34. S’mores.
  35. Camping.
  36. Green fields.
  37. Lakes.
  38. County Fairs.
  39. Willow trees.
  40. Medical shows.
  41. Criminal investigation shows.
  42. Korean culture.
  43. Louisiana.
  44. New Orleans.
  45. Shopping.
  46. Early 2000’s rap and r&b.
  47. Watching plays.
  48. Writing.
  49. Painting.
  50. Drawing.
  51. History and National Geographic Channels.
  52. Playing shooting games.
  53. Supernintendo playing  Mario Bros and Donkey Kong Country.

The Nothing We Had.

I’m thinking of you today. I don’t know why but every once in a while I will get this longing for you. And it feels like I can’t stand another minute without seeing your face. My heart aches. It has been silence for years. I have let you go, at least I think I have most days. Then there are days like today when no matter how hard I try I can’t get you off my mind. I like to think you are somewhere thinking of me and we are connected so until you stop, I can’t stop. But that’s not true is it? I broke my own heart waiting for you. I broke my own heart staying silent all this time. I’m beginning to realize “true love isn’t for girls like me”. But for now I’m doing my best to let go of the nothing we had.